Q: Aren't you just advocating compromise with your focus on both my own interests and those of the other person?
A: Of course compromise is a fine thing to do when you're trying to decide what to do on Friday night or where to go for dinner. But that's not why I wrote this book. Compromise is really a last resort strategy. I get a little of what I want, you get a little of what you want - and neither of us gets much satisfaction. It is a weak strategy when we strongly believe in what we are advocating. The approach I stress in Why Don't You Want What I Want? is quite different. I believe it is possible to get what's important to us without diluting the final outcome.
Q: How do you know the ideas in this book actually work?
A: First, I try to use the principles of engagement, and when I do, I am usually more successful getting what I want. But, more important, the principles are based on wisdom that I didn't invent. I drew from psychology, principled negotiation, management, the training actors receive, and from observation. Once I began to identify the principles of engagement, I treated them as lenses to look at situations where one person was trying to influence someone else. I kept refining and changing the principles until I came up with the final set (at least for now). Over the past few years, I have taught and coached clients on how to use them and they tell me their effectiveness has increased.
Q: Why do you draw from acting -- isn't that a bit touchy-feely?
A: Tell Clint Eastwood that. Perhaps the best single statement on listening that I've ever heard, did not come from a business author or psychologist, it came from Alan Alda. I paraphrase, but he said that we must listen with a willingness to be changed. That's it. That's the skill that good actors learn, and since my clients have been able to apply these actors' techniques, I wanted to include some of those ideas in the book. If we listen with a willingness to be changed, then listening is all about intent and has little to do with techniques. When I listen with a willingness to be changed, I pay attention differently. I ask different types of questions. I get engaged in the conversation in a more collaborative, and less contentious, way.
